Taking Love Two Feet at a Time
A few months ago, I posted this epic single AF post on Instagram. I got to this beautiful point in my life where I was content with who I was, where I was, and how I was living my life. Until one fateful—or divinely orchestrated—day when I popped open my eHarmony account and sent a message to a charming and attractive man in Kansas.
Prior to this, I tried my hand at online dating for four months (yeah, that is very interesting during a pandemic), and had a few false start relationships over the last two years. I had not been in a solid, committed relationship in about 10 years. Well, except with Fred, my cat (I often joke that he is the only man who has stuck with me for over 18 years ;)) I tell you this to help you understand that my dating life was abysmal. I wondered if I would ever “find” a husband again, and felt pretty darn broken inside thinking that I was somehow super defective. Who would want me: A divorcee who hasn’t quite gotten her life figured out yet, and, by the way, has had some mental health needs in the past. Who wants that gal?
Well, I realized that I had to want that gal. I took a number of years to go through a series of steps to love and respect myself, feel safe in my own body, and be confident in my own decision-making abilities. This included going to therapy, seeking spiritual counsel and guidance, and working with three separate coaches. I think the biggest evolution was moving to Nashville, uprooting myself from past pain and trauma to forge a new life. Moves like that can be the most daunting but also the most necessary. This move forced me to be by myself with my own thoughts and feelings for over a year during the pandemic. The solitude I gained helped me understand what grounds me, what helps me stay steady, and to figure out what I want, and why am I not getting it.
Once I realized that I don’t need to find my security and safety in a man, which is a beautiful awakening point, that I can perfectly find those things in me and God, is when Bryan entered my life. I was sitting at my desk one day and said a little prayer to God, “God, I certainly don’t need a man to be with me on the journey but boy it would be nice to have someone to share it with me.” And a week later is when I fired off the eHarmony note to that attractive man in Kansas. And he happened to respond back :)
Why Kansas, you ask? Well, I tapped out the market in Tennessee and decided to shake it up a bit. I didn’t want to compromise on my faith so that limited my pool of eligible bachelors, and that was okay with me. In fact, I had a rather striking conversation with a friend of mine about this very topic; she told me that on one of her dates, a man asked her, “how would you feel if I did not pray for you?” That hit me in a place in my heart one would aptly call conviction.
As luck would have it, this very lovely man messaged me back and that started an exchange that would end in us getting engaged. eHarmony actually does work! Thanks, eHarmony ;)
I've had to learn to deeply trust my heart during this season of life and to discern what love is and what love isn't. With Bryan, I have immense love as I've never felt before. He is everything to me and then some. I never thought I could feel this way especially after shutting myself off for so many years. I was drawn to Bryan because I trusted myself, let me and God be my guide, and stopped asking for everyone's approval or opinions. I'm past that season. I've truly had to learn to take love two feet at a time and now walking with Bryan step by step.
I write this to encourage those who have been searching for love for a while and haven't found it. Not to sound too cheesy but sometimes we do have to find that love inside of us to be able to find it on the outside. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would meet a man like Bryan, especially at 40, but it can happen. :) But it starts with us first. ❤️