I Just Gotta Be Me
Have you ever noticed when you just aren't in the right environment? When things don't quite feel right?
I love gardening. In fact, my husband asked me the other day, "Do you like to garden?" and I emphatically answered, "Yes!" I love everything about it. The feel of the dirt, the tending to plants and caring for their needs, the cultivation of growth, the understanding of climates and soil; the ability to design something out of nothing and take a barren piece of land and create a beautious wonder—I love it all!
As we've settled into our new house in Nashville, I've been able to garden a lot more. I haven't ever really had a house like this where there is just so much space to play and create in nature. While I've been working to create the backyard of my dreams, I've tried to keep it aesthetically pleasing while understanding it is a work in progress. The former owners even left us some beautiful pots to kickstart our efforts. One of the striking red pots looked just perfect in this one corner of our patio. I decided to fill it with a rose bush because who doesn't love the smell of roses? So I got a special, very expensive rose bush, and stuck it in this pot. The only problem is that while as aesthetically pleasing as it was, this area was horrible for the rose bush. It was still living but had hardly any blooms on it. It just seemed sad. Roses tend to like full sun and this corner spot was mostly in the shade. I was doing the plant a disservice by keeping it there, even if it looked nice.
After evaluating my options, I decided to move the pot and rose bush to another, sunnier part of our patio. I took it out of the darkness and into the light. I don't think I've ever witnessed such a drastic transformation with a plant before. A few days after being exposed to more sunshine, the rose bush took off and was blooming like crazy! It was truly a night and day difference and the only change I had to make was changing the environment while everything else remained constant. The drastic transformation of my rose bush made me think about how often we are in the wrong environment and just how much we can flourish when put in the right one. At the end of the day we are the same people, it's just that the new conditions are ripe for us to grow.
Which begs the question, “How often have we stuck around the wrong environment just to keep up appearances?”
Interestingly enough, this parallels the theme of “Anthem Song” from the first act of my album, “Breaking Bread: Songs of Reconciliation,” which focuses on introspection and loving ourselves a bit more. I wrote this song about six months after I left my job in tech but started conceiving it when I still worked there. I was miserable at my job because I knew in my heart that the conditions weren’t allowing me to thrive and grow. I was limited in a number of ways by my environment—I just couldn't see it at the time. But, I think my soul knew.
The phrases that would play in my head were, "I just gotta be me, you be you, be whoever you like, and I will too." These lyrics came so seamlessly because I felt like I couldn't be myself in that environment, that I was trying to live up to someone else's expectations and image of what I should be. My real self was simply tucked into the shadows, never to see the light of day. One line from that song in particular speaks to the need of an environmental change:
"Can I break away and
take away me from here
'Cause I don't know myself
I'm trying to be someone else"
I was trying to be someone else, whatever 'they' wanted and expected me to be, something I clearly was not. I often think that God helped me pull myself out of that environment, or rather gave me some pretty strong nudges, because if I had stayed, I would have wilted and withered away; it was that unhealthy for me.
Looking back on that time, I wish I would have freed myself a bit sooner because I now know what it's like to live in an environment that is better suited for you, one with the right amount of sun, nutrients, and soil composition. However, sometimes the more we linger in a really unhealthy environment, the more we cherish being in a healthy one. The blossoms from this season of life, in this place, are bountiful and utterly apparent— you can't miss them.
The striking thing about these two examples, both the plant and the person, is that they are the same, the only thing that changed was the environment that has allowed them to flourish. It's something to consider when you are beating yourself up for not being your best.
I wish I could give you a recipe or formula for knowing when you are not in the right environment and you need a change—more often than not you realize it after the fact when you find yourself in the right conditions. However, I can fill you in on some things that I learned after I moved and found myself flourishing; when I was able to take a step back and evaluate why I wasn't the same as I was in my old environment.
In my old environment,
I didn’t feel like I could be myself, at all. I didn’t feel accepted, loved, or valued for being me and what I brought to the table. It was always lacking and I was made aware of that daily.
I started to change myself to assimilate to what others wanted me to be. I changed how I dressed, my hairstyle, my mannerisms, tone in emails, all to try to emulate those around me who were deemed to be successful and flourishing. I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
I was anxious, a lot. My mind often felt like it was on hyperdrive trying to fulfill the needs of others. Also, I felt like I was going to be attacked at any minute for falling short of expectations.
My professional ratings started to slip, a lot. I was no longer achieving the performance ratings I once had by a long shot. This was consistent over a number of performance cycles.
I didn’t feel satisfied. I couldn’t find purpose in what I was doing and couldn’t see how what I was contributing to the bigger picture.
I felt demoralized, every day.
I felt like I was just trying to survive each and every day. The somewhat flippant expression surviving not thriving was applying in this case.
I just wasn’t happy even if I was telling everyone around me that I was. Fake it until you make it didn’t seem to be cutting it.
If you feel like you are experiencing a number of these, perhaps it is time to make a change, whether that be your home environment, work environment, or location—for me it happened to be all three. There is light at the end of the tunnel and just like the rose bush that started our story, you can thrive again one day just as the sun starts to shine on you a little bit more and you’ve put yourself front and center and in the spotlight. To quote the legendary character Johnny from the epic movie “Dirty Dancing,” “Nobody puts baby in the corner.” Make sure you don’t put yourself there as well.